Too late

We FINALLY got our homestudy back! It may have taken six times longer than she said it would, but it is what it is and it is done.

I was starting to worry that she didn't like us or something, but our case manager (who teaches the classes) said she loved us. (The woman that did our homestudy was very nice but hard to read.)
It was weird to read the homestudy - I know it's supposed to give an idea of who we are and what our lives are like and how we would be as parents, but I felt like it was talking about some other couple. Instead of big picture stuff it quoted us on weird little things. I suppose it doesn't matter, since the last line was like "These people are totally recommended for approval because they are super awesome."
I may be paraphrasing a bit there, but you get the idea.

So we got the homestudy, made a few corrections, signed and returned it and now we are ready to...wait, nope, hold up. The director needs to approve it, then it needs to go into the state system for approval. And for the kids we want, we also have to get a special adoption approval from a board that meets once a month. Okay, so it'll be another few weeks and then we'll be applying for the kids that our case manager sent us!

Except. My mom called yesterday wanting to know if I had heard about the weather (fracking snow), when I was picking up the can of gefilte fish I left there (never) and had I seen that our kids were no longer listed on the website?

They are gone, these kids that were never ours.

Our case manager sent me an email that their case manager has placed them in a pre-adoptive home and they they couldn't wait on us. Our case manager said she was upset, but of course understood. I said I understood too. And I do. Other than a little frustration that if we had gotten our stuff back sooner we may have been in the running, I'm not really sad. It feels the same to me as trying to conceive back when we were a few months in but not really aware yet that there was a problem. A little wistful over what could have been ours, based solely on the fantasies of what I imagined our lives could be like with these children. A little jealous that somebody else gets to go before me into parenthood. And vaguely happy that somebody is getting to experience everything I still believe I will have soon.

Of course, those vague and gentle emotions turned sharp and jagged after infertility showed up to rain on my parade. I don't want to go back to that.