Thursday, February 20, 2014

Homestudy tomorrow

Our homestudy got pushed back to tomorrow because of the weather. I am trying to figure out if I can/should take the day off work tomorrow - it's not like I will be very useful at the office, right? I keep worrying about things in our house being potential roadblocks. My fingers are tap tap tapping and my mind is running through all possible scenarios, including fairly implausible ones, like our gutter falling off and hitting the social worker. She wouldn't want to give us kids after our house attacked her, right? WHAT IF MY HOUSE ATTACKS THE SOCIAL WORKER?
Or my dog starts humping the cat or she hates our political views or our stove ventilation isn't enough and so this house will never ever pass a homestudy. (I am actually worried about the ventilation thing - we have a gas stove and there is no exhaust fan above it in the kitchen. If this is a problem we are looking at a couple grand to install one and who knows how much time.But it's not something I can fix overnight so I just need to cross my fingers and hope it's not a problem.)
We at least have most things in place. We bought locks for chemicals and booze, got fire extinguishers, and my amazing friends came over on Sunday to help clean so my pantry no longer looks like an episode of hoarders. And as they keep reminding me, people are homestudy approved all the time that have way sketchier homes, financials and personalities.
(Yes, there are sketchier people than me. Stop looking skeptical.)

Really I think most of it goes back to that childhood fear of worrying that she won't like me. I remember in seventh grade having my two best friends hand me a note right before I got on the bus that said "We don't want to be your friend anymore." I had no warning that they were going to cut me out completely so I think I always get a little compulsive about checking that my friends aren't quietly annoyed and planning to stop returning my calls. (Which of course I then need to be careful about because nobody appreciates being constantly asked if they like me...but you like me right? You the reader? You think I'm funny and smart and you're not embarrassed to be seen with me just because I sometimes wear questionable color combinations?) And for all that having a random friend not like you can make you feel badly, *this person* has the power to change your potential family if you come off as flaky or too crazy liberal or something, (I mean, really? I don't want to adopt an infant because in my mind there is a tenuous link to coercive anti-abortion practices? Shut up, me. That answer sounds batshit. We went through some potential homestudy questions and discussed them last night. It was...interesting. A and I had some good conversation about how we ended up here and while we both are happy with it, we both recognize that I sort of made a unilateral decision. More on this at a later time.)

There was a discussion over on Jezebel yesterday about the "just adopt" trope.
The process of IVF vs the process of adoption are so different - I can see how some people would find one process easier than the other. For me, adoption has been harder because of that element of feeling judged. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the necessity of screening potential parents carefully. The hoops aren't there just to drive me batty. But it still brings up those insecurities. We had to provide six or seven people as references, then the agency sent them forms to fill out. I'm fairly certain that most of our friends think we'll be good parents, but what if I was wrong? What if one of them secretly thought - I love Io and A, but they're just not ______ enough to have kids. With IVF if I had the money nobody was question whether I was good enough to have a kid. With adoption, other people get to make that judgement. Even though our caseworker said she got all our references back and that some accompanying letters made her teary, I'm sure there was a section about our faults and weaknesses. I think it's important to consider those, I just don't like that other people are the ones naming them. We don't get to see the letters and forms from references. 
This may be whiney and immature as completely irrational of me. But it still makes me feel like I am back in seventh grade territory.


  1. All the insecurity is natural. However, exhaust fans in your kitchen are good, but not a necessity - at least in most city codes. You'll be fine.

  2. I got one of those notes once too. Assholes.

    I hope the homestudy goes wonderfully well.

  3. When we homestudied, there was a big questionnaire from the social worker. It was part of the interview process, and it specifically asked US what OUR weaknesses were. J had to write down what he thought I sucked at, I had to do the same. Filling that out together was a bonding experience. One that required rum.